Violence. Speed. Momentum. by Dr DisRespect

Author:Dr DisRespect
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2021-03-30T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

So yeah, I went with the guy. Twenty hours later, I was in the Brotherhood’s AH-64 Apache attack chopper, staring out the window at the Hong Kong skyline.

“Down there,” Carl the Hunchback said, pointing. “That is the location of KEFVGAAIR.”

It was the middle of the night, but luckily I was wearing my advanced prototype Sony XL-9000 scopes with 3D night vision, so I could make out the entire complex in perfect detail.

“It just looks like some random-ass abandoned warehouse.”

“Exactly!” he said. “Just as I promised—a top secret, maximum-security facility that lies at the heart of the Brotherhood’s vast criminal enterprise, entirely invisible to the outside world!”

“Wait, that was serious?” I said. “I thought you were kidding! Why wouldn’t I want the whole world to watch when I kick everyone’s ass and look great doing it?”

“Well, um—”

“I figured you meant ‘top secret maximum-security facility’ in a cool way. Like—and this is just off the top of my head, I haven’t even given this much thought—giant black steel walls and blood-red towers with mysterious sweeping klieg lights and maybe like an iron drawbridge with a giant eagle skull or something.

“And then around the perimeter you’d have armored ninjas and tanks and Robocop ED-209s patrolling everywhere, and then like a moat that’s filled with acid and mutant crocodiles and genetically engineered super-piranhas where if they bite you, you don’t just die, you also get all these little baby super-piranhas growing in your spleen, and when they hatch you start screaming in total agony as these killer fish with vicious teeth are just eating their way out of your spleen.

“And then near the moat and the drawbridge you’ve got these big poisonous iron stakes and at the ends of the stakes are a bunch of ragged, bloody, gory decapitated heads, and a huge flashing neon sign that says ‘WARNING! ALL WHO ATTEMPT TO ENTER THE TOP SECRET KEFVGAAIR WILL DIE. Media, please see Will Call for your official commemorative press passes.’ You know, something awesome like that.”

Carl the Hunchback looked at me for a minute.

“Uh-huh.”

“Listen, Carl the Hunchback—do you mind if I call you that?”

“Yes.”

“Sweet. So, Carl the Hunchback, once I win this thing—and I will win this thing—I’m gonna be making a lot of changes around here. I don’t know what those changes will be, and I don’t even know why I’ll make them. Honestly, I don’t know much about this place at all right now, because we haven’t even landed yet. But I can tell you one thing. One of those changes will involve klieg lights and moats and genetically engineered super-piranhas and bloody, gory decapitated heads. And if you play your cards right, Carl the Hunchback, you can be on the right side of those changes, you know what I mean? But that’s a very big ‘if.’ ”

Moments later, we’d landed on the roof of that lame industrial warehouse, and Carl the Hunchback was leading me through a maze of equally lame hallways. No retina scans, no electronic keypads, not even a fucking Brinks security guard.

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